Thank you for all you replies. You took the time to read my lengthy post and then answer it .
I will share something happened with me 2 yrs back . This is the only incident which pinned me back to guru ji and still it keeps my faith and hope alive. This is a little long post , but I hope it inspires you as well :
I used to be on this forum in 2010 as well. Its the same year I graduated. Then I applied for masters because I was too scared to apply for a job, fearing rejection.
Due to weak-minded nature, I spiralled down procrastination and laziness, I couldn't complete my masters despite repeated attempts. Then another few years passed , It was already 2015.
In 2015, I was searching for a job haplessly. and that too in IT. who would hire a fresher who graduated 5 yrs ago ?
I still remember so vividly. It was may 1st, 2015. I walked a stretch of road in utter desperation returning from an interview. Its as if my soul cried that day .
I used to be agnostic /atheistic those days. The next day , on may 2nd, I was traveling back to another place for an interview. I remember a voice from inside told me
"There are 11 gurus. Vow to serve in guru's langar for 11 sundays. You shall be blessed". And as if my heart instantly nodded with "yes".
The interview went fine. I remember there was a gurudwara sahib in front of the office. The nishan sahib was clearly visible and I kept praying even while waiting inside the building, looking towards gurudwara.
In the evening, I came back . My dad calls up and asks "how many vacancies and how many people?" . When I replied, he suggested I will not make it . This depressed me again.
I came back tired to home. I was depressed. I remember , the next day was a sunday. I still remember it so vividly , I was sitting on sofa with a sad look on my face.
Mom came up and said "I am going to gurudwara. Might as well do sewa there rather than sitting sadly here". I was reminded of that 11-week-sewa vow.
So I served langar and did cleaning of big cauldrons. And while watching one dark with "soot" , I still remember my heart prayed "Oh lord, as I clear away the dark soot from this , please clear darkness from my life."
Somewhere , at some point in my life, someone had perhaps taught me that if u feel alone and need some guidance of guru sahib, u can always take a hukam after doing ardas.
I did ardas in front of SGGS. In the ardas , I mistakenly said "I did sewa guru sahib. you please bless me with a job".
I was surprised by the shabad that came :
Quote
ਮਃ੩॥
Third Mehl:
ਆਪੇਸੇਵਾਲਾਇਅਨੁਆਪੇਬਖਸਕਰੇਇ॥
He Himself enjoins us to serve Him, and He Himself blesses us with forgiveness.
ਸਭਨਾਕਾਮਾਪਿਉਆਪਿਹੈਆਪੇਸਾਰਕਰੇਇ॥
He Himself is the father and mother of all; He Himself cares for us.
ਨਾਨਕਨਾਮੁਧਿਆਇਨਿਤਿਨਨਿਜਘਰਿਵਾਸੁਹੈਜੁਗੁਜੁਗੁਸੋਭਾਹੋਇ॥੨॥
O Nanak, those who meditate on the Naam, the Name of the Lord, abide in the home of their inner being; they are honored throughout the ages. ||2||
So it was like Guru ji said "Beta, u didn't do sewa. I made u do it and I will bless u (baksh) for it". My heart lit up. And to be honest, this was only the starting of what followed.
Long story short : My job offer letter was kept on hold. I kept waiting for one and a half month. Later I came to knew the company had some internal restructuring and therefore the offer got canceled. I became sad . But guru ji were to bless me with something far bigger !
I went to all these interviews via the placement agency that is attached to the place where I did my course from.
The guy there sympathized with my cause because I kept waiting for 1 and a half month but didn't get it. He said he will recommend me to whichever client (company) came next to him. He told me "tomorrow , some other company is coming". It was my sanjog that they were offering the same job profile what I wanted and better pay than the job I had earlier kept my hope on.
NOW , you won't believe how things unfolded . Its as if universe conspired to get me in that office and fulfil my desire.
The next day , I went to their placement agency. I remember they made a list of freshly graduated 25 engineering graduates and they had only 4 vacancies . I on the other hand wasn't even on the list. I was only being recommended by this placement guy. The HR manager saw my resume and told the placement guy "I don't see any merit in him."
But due to insistence, they finally agreed to take me in interview rounds. First it was written test. I was sure I am gonna not make it even through the first round .
I kept randomly answering each MCQ. I was told I had cleared round 1 . I was shocked !
Then round 2 happened same day. It was personal interview with manager and one senior software developer.
I was later informed I had cleared round 2. I was stunned !
I had to go a couple of days later to their office (where I work now since 1 year 7 months) for machine test round. I still remember I was still depressed and couldn't bring myself to study anything. I finally, with little courage, read one page of the book.
I remember going to machine round with surety that I will not miraculously clear this one unlike the ones I cleared previously.
As I started typing the source code, I was amazed from where I got all the intelligence to finally clear it . I was stunned ! What I had read on that one page, that alone came in test.
I came out of the office with a smile on my face !
One final round was still remaining. personal interview with managing director .
For some reason, after talking with me, the MD was impressed and decided to hire me. The HR manager told him not to be in a hurry and that he had more candidates. But the MD didn't care. The HR manager came inside and said "We were going to think of whom to select , in the evening, but I can tell you , you're selected."
I can't tell the amount of joy I had that day as I left the office and knowing god has blessed me with such a beautiful and grand workplace !
As I came back , I again did shukrana ardas to guru ji and shabad came once again (which had come previously to me several times before )
Quote
ਟੋਡੀਮਹਲਾ੫॥
Todee, Fifth Mehl:
ਹਰਿਹਰਿਚਰਨਰਿਦੈਉਰਧਾਰੇ॥
I have enshrined the Lord's Feet within my heart.
ਸਿਮਰਿਸੁਆਮੀਸਤਿਗੁਰੁਅਪੁਨਾਕਾਰਜਸਫਲਹਮਾਰੇ॥੧॥ਰਹਾਉ॥
Contemplating my Lord and Master, my True Guru, all my affairs have been resolved. ||1||Pause||
Later on i got to know that there was an existing high performance sardar guy in office and because of impression he created on manager and md, i got through. So much kamaal of turban.
So it came to pass ! I will not forget this incident my whole life. To this day, in form of shukrana , I keep my dasvand, because this rizak was given to me by god .
I can never thank him enough . I really hope he does something similar miracle for me in terms of my sexuality.
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