You can do 10 astpadis daily instead of whole paath. But i find if i do the whole paath even if without concentration, i feel better at the end of it.
And we should be making an effort to discipline our mind so keep tryinv to do the whole paath and fight to keep ur mind in the present, on the meanings. If ur tongue gets tired from doing paath, ahh wat a blessing! Is there any more shubh karam?
But u might want to switch: 5 astpadis out loud, 5 in ur mind, get up and walk while listening to the other 5, sing the other 5, and read meanings of the 4.
Also dont worry about the 3 big choices. Keep ur options open, live day to day. Leave some on God, and try the rest urself. I think u should try to come out to ur parents. Not all at once, dont make it another option and stress about it, just try to be truthful.
Also maybe look for religious gay ppl, u said u tried the gay scene n didnt fit in so look for the religious gay ppl. There is a blog by a sikh gay person, google it. See wat issues they facing, wat solutions they have. Take it slowly, keep faith in God and keep searching when u feel despair. The right path to ur life might show up.
Also look into how other religions are dealing with gay marriages, cuz sikh ppl might need to address this issue one day, and it would be nice if someone had done research on it. Look into the jati concept-
Ika Naari Jati Hoe
Look at comparison of degradation of society and homosexual behavior ( is there any correlation, causation, cuz christians r always saying roman/greek societies fell due to deviant sexual behavior), the debate of gay marriage (esp in America. I learned a lot. Like some pastor was arguing that studies show children need both a father and mother, so kids growing up in LGBTQ households with 2 moms or 2 dads, have same tendancy to fail as single parent kids. Also that there is alot of divorce/cheating in gay marriages as men are more promiscuous than women, so if u have 2 men, it doubles chances. Also that many lesbian households have domestic abuse) also check out Milo Yianopoulis on youtube, hes a Gay, Catholic, Jew who is against gay culture. He wants to live the gay lifestyle, but thinks pushing the gay agenda is harmful
tl;dr: the choices u r facing in life r hard and unique n nobody has the answers becuz there r few ppl in ur situation. So i say do more research n maybe u will be able to help urself or at least help others in ur situation. More than research, keep doin paath, have faith, wat happened to u is part of Gods will and Gods Will Can't Take You Where God's Grace Won't Save You. Guruji protects his devotees, fulfills their wishes worldly and otherwise, so become a devotee and never fear
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