this is my opinion based on my limited knowledge
it doesn't matter what you have done, what matters is that you realise it now; your lack of understanding probably underlies your feelings and leads to confusion
if you realise your shortcomings then you can make the changes. i would suggest you try to understand your purpose - that you have been given this chance of a human existence - you can learn this by doing what every sikh should do which is : be a sikh- a sikh is a learner and have your own personal development paln for sikhi - do your own research/study and become a student of Nanak- once you understand his teachings you will have your answers
remember Guru Nanak went and sat amongst those who had sinned too, from murders to thieves - and they changed....and so can you, become Nanak's student and he will show you the way
all the best
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